Fly Well

Everyone loves Clint Eastwood’s films, but his performance as “Blondie” in the 1966 spaghetti Western referenced in my headline is, in my opinion, unsurpassed. Pursuing Confederate gold and viewing wartime carnage, he proclaims, “I’ve never seen so many men wasted so badly.”

For aviators, Oshkosh is a celebrated destination. For parents, it’s the location of a kids’ apparel company. And, in a 1968 TV commercial promoting Wilbur Croskowsky’s Oshkosh mattress store’s annual sale, it gave birth to the phrase “you snooze, you lose.”

In 1986, technopop band The Human League sang, “I’m only human, of flesh and blood I’m made. Human, born to make mistakes.” Pilot errors cost lives; understanding human factors saves lives. Recognizing and learning from mistakes is paramount.

Albert Camus’ stark novel The Plague was published in 1947. In this allegory, Dr. Bernard Rieux recognizes and seeks to address an epidemic. Many of his challenges ring true for us today.

Theodor “Ted” Seuss Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, wrote Green Eggs and Ham, a book about refusal that was banned in Maoist China for its political tone. Eggs and ham are not usually green and eating such discolored, potentially spoiled food might induce physical harm. Blue is not the correct color for runway lights; the ability to spot that might prevent physical harm—and an embarrassing conversation with the FAA.

Walking along Venice Beach, I experienced the munchies and craved hearing the Grateful Dead; marijuana fumes were to blame, most around me clearly stoned. But today, I am ruminating about stones causing pain so intense, munching painkillers and being grateful to be dead would resonate: kidney stones.

The quintessential difference between England and America? Simple: On the London Underground passengers are warned to “mind the gap” between train and platform. On American railways one must “watch the gap.” Let’s go with the U.K. version for now—minding, rather than watching.

Catchy phrases are usually attributed to luminaries like Shakespeare, Sophocles, or Oscar Wilde. Regardless of authorship, the expression “don’t kill the messenger” applies here. Patients honor me by seeking my help to cure their ills. But when I am asked to explain FAA actions on medical matters, while offended aviators might not actually seek to kill me, an attack on my intellect, intent, or parental provenance is likely.

In 1826 Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin stated, “Tell me what you eat and I will tell you what you are.” Most people eat too much, and the wrong stuff. Once obese, they try fad diets. I am sure I will offend some people, but anyone not offended, please be patient—I will get to you shortly. Poor food choices affect every organ, diminishing lifespan and health span. There’s lots of fake food news, so be cautious. Unless you hear it from me!

The 1980s song 99 Red Balloons by German artist Nena inspired thinking about other red balloons.

Oumuamua, Hawaiian for “scout,” arrived from beyond our solar system and has now passed through our neighborhood. Whether a dusty comet, a planetary remnant—or, as astrophysicist Avi Loeb proposed, an element of an alien spacecraft—we shall probably never know. Everyone surely prefers to continue flying powered by reciprocating engines rather than following Oumuamua on angels’ wings. Inherited genes play a major role defining your time keeping the dirty side down, but there are many steps you can take to influence the length of your healthy years.

Preflight health checks such as IMSAFE (illness, medication, stress, alcohol, fatigue, eating) are eminently sensible and a legal obligation. Sadly, lack of pilot diligence leads many to die prematurely. Hopefully, this narrative involving an ancient English nobleman, soccer, and cardiac concerns will help you change behaviors. But behavioral change requires changing beliefs—and I hope I can make a believer of you.

We have a global epidemic on our hands, or glands, to be precise—specifically the pancreas, one of the “sweetbreads,” a gland deep in the abdomen. It’s home to the Islets of Langerhans—which sounds like a desirable flying destination, but are the cells where insulin is made. This hormone, and the effect it has on the human body, is our destination today. So, brakes, contact, and chocks away.

Remember your first solo? Immense joy. Anticipating your second? Sheer excitement, hoping it would come sooner. At the other end of the emotional spectrum is despair, loss, and isolation.

Rod Stewart’s 1991 ‘Rhythm of My Heart’ states:  “Oh, rhythm of my heart, is beating like a drum.” Conventionally viewed as where love lives, the heart, just like good music, requires a great rhythm section. Atrial fibrillation, commonly called AFib, is the most common heart rhythm problem afflicting many pilots.

In the 1812 Brothers Grimm story Schneewittchen,  the septet of miniscule men was nameless, remaining anonymous when revised in 1854. A 1912 Broadway play based on Snow White named them Blick, Flick, Glick, Plick, Snick, Whick, and Quee. In 1937, Disney brought us...well, you name them. Two germane to this column are Doc, originally a doctor in an early script, and Sneezy, given to frequent nasal explosions. Maybe the poor chap was allergic to something in the woods?

Ten years ago, Pixar’s movie Wall-E achieved critical acclaim and box office success depicting a world ruined by human excess. As the titular robot cleaned up Earth, obese, indolent, and ignorant humans cruised the cosmos, awaiting their return to a pristine planet. Much in the film is accurate and moving, but certain assumptions are inaccurate, particularly about the obese. Obesity is not simply a matter of poor choices, nor is it equated with ignorance—lack of mobility is a factor, but so are one’s genes. 

“How long do I have?” asked the querulous patient. “Let’s put it like this,” responded his diffident doc, “don’t buy any long-playing records.” LPs are history, but if you don’t want to follow suit, follow the bouncing ball and spot how many music idioms pepper this piece.

In London, blue plaques adorn numerous buildings, identifying where luminaries lived or worked. Two capture my imagination. One, adorning St. Mary’s Hospital, proudly proclaims that in 1928, two floors above, Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin. Another embellishes 22 Ebury Street, Belgravia, where Ian Fleming—James Bond’s creator—spent many years. Two Flemings: One wrote of saving lives, another, of ending them. Little did Alexander know his discovery could end in villainous Bondian fashion. Antibiotics are failing because of overuse, inspiring antimicrobial resistance. Bacterial baddies are winning the fight.

“That’s hard for me to swallow” is an expression provoked by hearing that one’s flying days are over, your high school nemesis just won the lottery, or of other disappointments. Many things can cause dysphagia, meaning “hard to swallow”—either structural, such as a scar or cancer in the esophagus, or functional, like esophageal spasm. 

Muhammad Ali was G.O.A.T.: “Greatest Of All Time” in the boxing ring. Privileged to meet the late fighter, I found him wickedly funny and dealing with Parkinson’s disease gracefully and courageously.

The thyroid gland may be shaped like a butterfly, but it can sting like a bee if it malfunctions. Thyroid conditions are common, afflicting as many as 12 percent of the U.S. population. George and Barbara Bush have thyroid conditions, as did the late film critic Roger Ebert. The thyroid sits in front of the windpipe, and is named for a Greek shield; the ancients believed the thyroid beautified and lubricated the neck while keeping the windpipe warm. The reality is far more interesting when described with an aviator’s lexicon.

When traveling overseas, I often fly my airplane into Dulles International Airport to leave from there. Controllers are accommodating, airline guys joke on the ground frequency about gobbling me up on taxiways, and ramp parking is cheaper than garages. I take a seat on my commercial flight, anticipating the return leg in my bird. 

When angle of attack increases beyond its critical angle, a stall follows. And bad stuff often ensues. Before the stall, one feels buffeting—a harbinger of wicked things to come.